Goodbye, Shoaib

Shoaib Akhtar: Completely brainless, but
brilliant on his day

 

My first memory of Shoaib Akhtar is at the Eden Gardens. India was playing Pakistan during the Asian Test Championships. Sanjay Manjeraker was in the commentary box when Shoaib was brought on as first change after Wasim Akram and Waqar Younis had finished their initial spell. Shoaib's card read: Shoaib Akhtar, Age 23, Right Arm Fast Medium. Manjrekar said, "That's wrong. I saw this guy in South Africa. Fast medium is incorrect. This guy has raw pace, mark my words."
I don't think anyone will remember what Manjrekar said, but Shoaib will be remembered for clean bowling Rahul Dravid and Sachin Tendulkar of successive balls and the world said that he is the next big thing.
Shoaib has had bursts of brilliance after this match. His spell in Australia where he got the Waugh twins and Ricky Ponting in one over is considered one of the best spells of fast bowling ever. There was this spell against New Zealand where he picked up six wickets for 11 runs. I cannot remember the match, but Shoaib has been a matchwinner several times for Pakistan.
Unfortunately Shoaib's biggest problem was himself. He was plagued by injuries for a major part of his career; people thought that he played for himself rather than the team and he was considered a poor fielder. Shoaib for his part defended himself on most occasions saying that he was a victim of circumstances and politics in Pakistan cricket. We can't even blame him there. Pakistan's cricket policy unfortunately makes the BCCI look intelligent. There was a phase in the middle where religion played an important role in the selection of the Pakistani squad. Rumours were that you had to pray five times a day and that 'Allah would grace you and improve the quality of Pakistani cricket.' Shoeb thought it was bollocks and wasn't selected.
Then there was the infamous case where the PCB said that he couldn't play because he had genital warts. When I read it, I laugh because it's ludicrous that someone would publicly announce that. But that's the PCB for you.
The tragedy about Shoaib is that he could have been the world's greatest fast bowler. He was brilliant on days and could destroy anyone with that yorker of his. I remember reading about him before I actually saw him bowl. He had made his debut against South Africa and Wasim Akram hadn't said much about him. It was almost like a surprise for the opposition. He came and bowled some of the fastest stuff and completely destroyed Darryl Cullinan, a really good player of fast bowling. The newspaper report said that Cullinan's leg stump had been uprooted.
At the end of the day, I'll say that I'll miss Shoaib. He'll still be in the news for his brainless acts. Hell, I see him in jail for something too. But that's not the point. Cricket won't be as exciting and I'll never ever get to see a Sachin-Shoaib or Sehwag-Shoaib event again. 

The Problem with Umar Gul

I like Umar Gul a lot.
He's fast, accurate and can swing the ball both ways. He's consistent, economical and usually keeps a low profile.
That's also my problem with him.

The qualities are exempolary, but Umar has a problem, which is why he's a misfit.
He's got all these qualities being a Pakistani player.
Now I'm sure there are a lot of Pakistanis reading this blog, who would be ready to swear at me on my twitter timeline, but if you guys give me reason to explain myself, I shall.
I read this article in this morning's Indian Express about Umar Gul. While I agree with what the writer said, Umar is the black sheep in a Pakistani side dominated by a bunch of mad men. Check the video out to see what they're capable of

And I mean mad men in the nicest possible way.
The reason why I love watching Pakistan play is because the guys are a bunch of crack heads. They will play like Gods for 10 minutes and play like shit in the other 10, making you wonder if this is the same side you saw. Let me illustrate this with some examples
Example 1: One day, Shoaib will bowl 99 mph inswingers and break your toes. The same guy will bowl a full toss on leg stump to Ross Taylor and get hit for 28 runs in an over.

Inzamam ran like an 'elephant'
and caught like a 'gazelle'

Example 2: Inzamam Ul Haq will run between the wickets with another guy. He will run the other guy out and end up running himself out. Then while fielding at slip, he'll fly like a gazelle and catch a ball that looked impossible to take. I remember one match where he actually did this and Geoff Boycott, who was in the commentary box at that time said, "That's Inzamam for you. Runs like an elephant; catches like a gazelle."
Example 3: The Pakistani spinner is a madman. Take a look at them over history. I've seen Abdul Qadir, Saqualin Mushtaq, Mushtaq Ahmed, Danesh Kaneria and now - although he plays for South Africa - Imran Tahir. All these guys have a mad glint in their eyes and have a fast bowler's run-up. If you look at Shane Warne or a Harbhajan Singh or an Anil Kumble or even a Muttaiah Muralitharan, it was either a jog or a walk. These guys charge at you as if they're going to take your head off.
And then there is Umar Gul. It's a pity that he doesn't have the madness about him. It's probably the main reason why he will always be Pakistan's second best, even if he is the best at that time

Why is Pakistan playing test cricket?

I can picture a scenario where Salman Butt tells his batsman, "Come soon. I'll see you before lunch!"
Right now, the Pakistani batsmen are playing shit.
I don't think there's anything else to describe their game right now.
And the funny thing is that people were after Bangladesh's throats when they would consistently lose to sides all over the world.
Pakistan is doing pretty much the same thing. In fact, they're playing worse than Bangladesh right now. It's ridiculous because James Anderson is taking 10-wicket hauls. That's just wrong.
I'd understand if Graham Swann or Graham Onions did something like that, but Anderson?
Even Broad seems to be bowling well.
For England's sake, I hope they don't take this victory as overconfidence during the Ashes. Although Australia isn't playing their best cricket, it's a home series for them and that will always work in their favour.
But Pakistan? They need a lot of work to do.

Pakistan needs help

Like the Joker, the Pakistani team doesn't
have a plan. It's just plain chaos!

Currently Pakistan is playing like we did in the 90s.
Test cricket is about playing in sessions, they say. Pakistan plays like a team possessed in one session. They have a pace attack which I believe is the best in the world right now. Their bowling today is what Ambrose and Walsh were when West Indies started declining as a side.
But the batting is rubbish. It's even worse than the West Indies batting. At least they had Lara, who could do awesome things sometimes.
But these guys need a lot of working to do. They nearly killed the match against Australia and managed to win by three wickets at the end.
I thought that they would repeat a Sydney or a Sri Lanka in that test match, but they managed to survive.
Not in this one though.
It's sad because you have a side that bowls brilliantly and the batsmen throw their wickets away and make a mess of themselves.
What's different from the way we played and the way Pakistan plays now? At that time, we would play badly in all the sessions of a test match, so the whole world knew that we would invariably lose. Here, there is a shimmer of hope for Pakistan when their bowlers bowl like that. Unfortunately for them, the batting is too weak. Quite the opposite of the present Indian team that has a very impotent bowling lineup.
My brother and I were having a discussion when England collapsed in their first inning. He asked me, "How much do you think Pakistan will make?"
"77!" I said.
He laughed and said that they'll make less than 200
"We were laughing today about how they made less than 250 in the entire match!"
They're in need of help. Maybe Inzy should come out of retirement and take over the middle order.
Pakistani cricket is in shambles. It's crazy and it's retarded.
It's probably why I like watching them play.
They're like the Joker. There is no plan. Only Chaos!

India says no to Asian Games

Now here's the surprise of the century.
The BCCI has said no to India playing the Asian games.
I think I have a fair idea why they have said no.
It's simple, actually. When cricket was introduced into the Commonwealth Games at the end of 1998-99 (correct me if I've gotten the year wrong), India had Sachin, Jadeja and a third guy I can't remember as part of the India XI.
The rest of the side was in Toronto losing to Pakistan. They lost 4-1, if my memory serves me right, with Sachin flying for the last game and making 77.
He batted awesome in that match.
But he played shit in the Commonwealth, like the rest of the Indian side.
Come to think of it, India lost everything in that tournament or the matches were abandoned due to rain.
So the BCCI, according to that logic, doesn't want to look like a bunch of cunts if India loses to Nepal, Japan or China.
It'll make the loss to Zimbabwe more believable.

Why the Pakistan All-Time XI will fail

I read the Cricinfo piece on the Pakistan All-Time XI.

On paper, the side is fantastic.

But, in theory, the team will lose.

Here are my reasons why

Hanif Mohammad, Fazal Mohammad, Zaheer Abbas and Imran Khan will proudly don the Pakistan cap and play like their life depended on it.

But four players aren’t enough.

Rashid Latif will be blogging on RashidLatif.net on how his team players conspired to lose the match and will name Wasim Akram in the fixing scandal.

Javed Miandad will be speaking to Dawood Ibrahim to ensure that his name is cleared of all fixing charges that have been filed by Wasim.

Waqar Younis will get into a public altercation with Wasim when Wasim is acting captain, saying that he was captain after Wasim. So as a result, Waqar will bowl badly to show that he was a better captain than Wasim.

Qadir will try and bowl googlies, but get clobbered.

Inzamam and Saeed Anwar will be MIA and be timed out for praying too much.

So yeah, the team will be screwed.

BCCI and PCB need to analyze

I was going to write about Mark Boucher today.
But I think the Pakistan team tape story is one of the funniest I've heard in a very long time.
Intikhab Alam calls them 'mentally retarded' and a board member calls Shoaib Malik 'a termite'
I say that it's funny because when I think that Team India and the BCCI act moronic and you think that nobody can fuck up anymore, the PCB comes and says, "Hey, you cunts. Beat this!"
I don't blame the players entirely. Most of them are a bunch of talented, but direction-less kids taken off the street and given a chance to represent their nation.
They become famous overnight and think that they can do anything.
Like Anil Kumble mentioned in his article in Hindustan Times the other day while referring to the BCCI's role in guiding youngsters, I feel that the PCB should do something similar.
That is, if they have a bunch of educated people in that unit.
Otherwise like my brother put it, Shoaib "Genital Warts" Akhtar has a new friend -- Shoaib "Termite" Malik. they both used to play for the Pakistan "mentally retarded" team.
And in the process, Boucher, despite his wonderful wicketkeeping has been forgotten in my thoughts as well.

The curious case of Pakistani cricket

So, the Pakistani team fucked us over.
After playing terrible cricket in the initial stage of the tournament, they are now in the semifinals against Australia.
It was something India didn't expect at all.
Team India probably thought that Pakistan, like them, took Aman Ki Asha seriously.
But Shahid and his band of merry men aren't stupid, although they pretend to be. Hell, they won everything last year. This year, despite people writing them off, they kicked South Africa out of the tournament. Before that, they were out as well.
Suddenly, they're in the semis.
While the cricketing world is predicting an Ashes final, I wouldn't rule Pakistan out at all.
You can't rule Pakistan out; in fact, you can never rule Pakistan out. Even if the PCB handpicks 11 random guys with raw talent from the street and gives them a Pakistan cap, they can never be ruled out.
In fact, when there are 11 new random names, they would be a deadlier unit.
So, Australia, get your game in place tomorrow. Your pace attack might suddenly not look so effective and your batting might collapse thanks to some random Pakistani bowling.
You have been warned

South Africa: the eternal chokers

Uncle J-Rod got it right again.South Africa proved that they can't perform in a big tournament. Today's loss to Pakistan has resulted in them getting out of the T20 cup.
Pakistan has a chance of surviving.
Does that mean, India has a chance as well?
Will the Indian side manage to stun Sri Lanka tomorrow?
Aakash Chopra tweeted that Sri Lanka's reliability on Mahi and Sanga could cost them the match.
At least, Sri Lanka have two people to count on.
Who on earth does India have, right now?
Dhoni's ODing as a captain. He makes Harbhajan open the bowling on a fast bowler's wicket and bowls first on a track where batting first is the smart thing to do.
Yuvraj is batting like a cunt.
Zaheer and Nehra seem out of sorts.
Vijay thinks he's playing a test match.
Dhoni is batting, but getting out at the wrong time.
So, Raina and Sharma, who have been amongst the runs, have a lot to do.
If this doesn't work, India can always join the South Africans and go on a vacation before embarking on their Zimbabwe tour

Is the IPL to blame?

India lost because they were crap.
In the first year of the T20 cup, India and Pakistan were unstoppable because they were the only two teams that understood the T20 format.
Yuvraj smashed Broad for 36 in an over; Sreesanth was actually bowling maiden overs and RP was the next big thing.
Similarly for Pakistan, Umar Gul was their bowling sensation and carried forward that form to the following World Cup, which Pakistan won. Also, Misbah-Ul-Haq invented the scoop shot that gave him a lot of runs and India the first World Cup.
Then came the IPL. In IPL I and II, since Pakistani players were selected, they got better international exposure and capitalized on it to take the next World Cup.
Meanwhile, England, New Zealand, Sri Lanka and the West Indies were slowly getting the hang of playing the shortest form of the game.
Australia, however, were getting raped, which is why they have come back with a vengeance this year.
This year, IPL 3 saw no Pakistani players. There were more Caucasians than there were in the previous two tournaments. Hell, even Jacques Kallis was selected to represent South Africa for the T20 this year because of his IPL form.
India had just finished off two seasons - one with South Africa and earlier to Bangladesh - before IPL began.
The players felt that money was more important that resting their bodies.
The effect was disaster.
On the other hand, Pakistan hasn't played too much cricket are probably taking the same plane as India is.
So, is the IPL to blame totally? I'd ask Lalit, but he's got his own issues to deal with at the moment

Aman Ki Asha takes a whole new level

So India played shittier cricket that the West Indies today.
Gayle finally stuck form and raped the bowling, barring Harbhajan. The others bowled like a bunch of garbage.
As I predicted, they had Roach in the side and I forgot that Taylor bowled fast.
Roach took another two wicket haul in his 4 overs, something he has done only twice before.
We could have won because of the number of wides that were bowled by their side. So if we are to reconcile anything from the match, it was that they bowled shit. But then again, we batted shittier, while Gayle singlehandedly won the match for them.
Now, India and Pakistan can go home together in the same plane and Shoaib Malik and Sania Mirza can pole dance for them as part of the Aman Ki Asha Peace process